Peter stood on the roof of a 38storey building and looked down at the street far below him. The noises from New York City scarcely reached this height, leaving him to himself. A gentle wind went through his dark brown hair, brushing some strains in his soft eyes.

In silence Peter lifted his face towards the sun. It was a bright day, but he didn´t notice the mellow autumn light nor the pleasant warmth. He was too lost in his own darkness. The piercing pain in his heart he had felt for the last few months had subsided finally and given way for a mercyful numbness which Peter embraced thankfully. There was nothing more to do, nothing more to feel. But no, he did feel- exhausted, lost, empty. And he had lost his way by finally, finally discovering how he felt about the most precious person in his life.

When exactly and how had it started? Peter gave his mind time to wander back to the days of his childhood. He almost smiled at the picture in his memory- Nathan and him, brothers who fought each other, who envied each other like any brothers would do. But always there had been that deeply felt knowledge that in the end they cared for one another and would always be there for each other. And that proved to be right- Peter remembered their stern father, how proud he was of Nathan (though he wouldn’t admit to that too often) who studied and chose to become a lawyer just like his father, while Peter, being far more emotional and unwilling to go for a 8-to-5-job, earned his fathers´ detest by wanting to become a nurse. Nathan had smiled mildly about Peters´ choice, but had also encouraged him when he found Peter to be certain with this path. Nathan had been there with his imperturbable trust in his brother, something his father had never done. But then again, his father had always rejected Peter, and that might have been the reason why he so eagerly wanted to gain the trust and the love of Nathan, his older brother. And Nathan loved him, more than his father, more than a brother.

Peter had always looked up to Nathan, who seemed so sure about himself, so confident, and Peter had admired his inner strength. Nathan never faltered when a hard decision was to be made, and he always accepted the consequences of his deeds. Peter wasn´t a bit surprised when he chose to become a politician. It was a pleasure seeing this brilliant man in his finely tailored suits up on the stage of the world. When Nathan had public appearances which Peter couldn´t attend personally for some reasons, he watched his brother on TV and videotaped all the interviews he gave.

It must have been around that time when Peter noticed that his feelings for Nathan had changed- no, not changed, but there had developed something else. Nathan was always one to embrace others, to touch them while he was speaking to them, so Peter never minded it when Nathan was behaving this way with him. But there had been a growing feeling in him that had another quality. Uncertain at first, Peter just observed his wish that he really wanted Nathan to be close to him. At family gatherings, Peter had found his heart to beat quicker when Nathan entered the room, and he couldn´t keep his eyes from following Nathan when he moved around. At table, he would sit opposite his brother, watching him unobtrusively, how Nathans hands moved and his eyes shimmered, or he sat next to him and enjoyed every undeliberate touch. And it gave him pleasant shivers when Nathan laid his arm around him casually. He longed for a smile from Nathan, for a gentle stroke of his hand, for his heartfelt embrace when they met. Peter finally had to admit the truth that was dawning to him. He had tried so hard to deny it at first- but finally this feeling almost exploded inside of him, and he would have suffocated if he hadn´t admitted it to himself. He came to rest when Nathan was near him, he watched his every move, he noticed Nathans white shimmering teeth when he smiled that seductive smile which Nathan was completely unaware of, he dreamt of his brothers soft lips gracing his, he yielded for his touch- this was more than brotherly love. Peter hadn´t confided in Nathan- how could he?! Nathan´s moral was strong also, his concept of relationships was conservative, he wouldn´t approve of that. Peter was so afraid of losing him, that it might appal Nathan to know about this. His brother was so different from him, yet they were so close… No, it was best to keep it his secret. And it was tearing him apart. -

Peter, still standing on the roof, closed his eyes and let a special moment come to life for one last time. It was at his celebration party after he had finished his nurses´ exams. Nathan had come, their mother was there, and his flat was filled with people. Nonetheless the two brothers found a quiet moment. Peter was sitting on his bed, the doors wide open to the living room where his guests were dancing and drinking, when Nathan came in. Nathan, smiling his broadest smile, sat down beside him. “I am so proud of you, little brother.” Nathan laughed and laid his arm around Peter. ”When you told me you wanted to be a nurse I thought- no, I´d rather not tell you what I was thinking, but man, here you are, you made it!” Peter, sitting so close to Nathan, was feeling the warmth he emanated. He heard Nathans words, he was hanging on his lips, he saw these dark, deep eyes before him, and his heart was racing. And when his brother leaned in to kiss his cheek, Peter had to force himself not to give in to that burning need, not to kiss his brother full on his lips. He gave in to Nathans embrace, though, and in that moment he felt that Nathans heart was also beating fast- very fast. Peter looked up in his brothers´ eyes, and Nathans gaze locked in his. Was there some silent exchange of feelings that could not be put into words? Nathan seemed unwilling to let him go, but Peter just couldn´t be sure. He knew what he wanted, but Nathan? No. Unthinkable. For Nathan, this wouldn´t be… it wouldn´t be right. And then the moment had slipped away, and Nathan stood up to fetch himself some drink, while Peter remained sitting a little while longer, trying to regain his composure, and watched his brother leave the room.

It was only shortly afterwards that that crucial moment came that had meant so much to both of them. Again, it was a sunny afternoon, and Peter and Nathan were in Nathan´s study. Peter was watching the sunlight on Nathans face, how it gave little highlights in his accurately cut hair, and he loved the way his brother leaned carelessley on his desk. Peter, standing a few steps away, couldn´t remember how this topic came up- they had talked about their family, about their different paths of life. They talked freely, there was no envy anymore like in the childhood days. At one point Nathan had fallen silent. A shadow seemed to have fallen over his face. He said silently, with his eyes fixed on the floor: ”I don’t know who I am without you.” Peter was surprised by that sudden turn of their conversation, but had answered immediately. “Of course you do. You ´re Nathan Petrelli. Top of his class, valedictorian, most likely to- you´re that guy with me or without me.” Peter had smiled at his brother, and Nathan had looked up and fixed his eyes on Peter: “Who´s to say that I´m not all that because of you?” His words cut Peter like a knife. He hardly understood how these unexpected, kind words could cause so much pain. He couldn´t speak, but he returned Nathan´s look, and Peter knew that his eyes were giving him away. Nathan had always been able to read in his eyes, they were an open book to him. And then Nathan stood up. A strange, unknown expression on his face, he crossed the distance that separated them. The world seemed to stop, in fact there was no world, there was only Nathan. He took Peters face gently in his warm hands and whispered “I love you, Peter.” And this time, Peter´s composure broke. His hands were clasping his brother, he closed his eyes, and their lips met. It was a kiss that was so tender and full of insecurity, and it meant everything. “I love you too, Nathan”, Peter whispered back breathlessly, and then he kissed Nathan again, this time locking his lips on Nathan´s passionately, and Nathan gave in to his brother. The rest of this prescious afternoon was too sweet and too painful to remember. –

Peter opened his eyes again to the present moment. That afternoon of sunlight and intimicy had been sheer bliss, and even now he had to smile. Nathan had been so tender and so sure, so much himself but yet also so different, and Peter never wanted it to stop. But it did.

They never talked about it, but they met in secrecy. They found their way of silent exchange of kisses and embraces and what they led to, and Peter had felt whole and complete with Nathan at his side. He never wanted any other man, it was just Nathan. And Nathan yielded to him completely in a way Peter never had thought possible. It was perfect. Till the day Nathan faltered. Peter saw it in his eyes before Nathan spoke the fatal words. “Pete, listen… I… I can´t go on like that.” Nathan had looked at him with despair and longing. “I am so sorry. You know that I love you, and I love you more than my own life. But this isn´t… I don´t know, it´s just not right.” Nathan took a deep breath, preparing himself, and went on explaining his reasons, something about Heidi nearly having found out about them and how this would effect his sons. Peter hardly heard his words. He saw Nathans lips move, those finely shaped mouth he felt so much pleasure in kissing, but all he could do was feel a pain he would have never imagined. So this it was being like having your heart broken. He felt Nathans hand on his arm. “Pete, you alright?” Nathans voice was anxious. He must have nearly fainted. “No, Nathan, I´m not alright. Jeez, how can you give up on us?” Peter had felt the ground beneath him shaking. And then they had started an argument, with hushed voices and all the passion they were capable of. And at the end of it Nathan had begged Peter so hard to understand- “do it for me. Please, Peter.” And Peter wanted to accept. For Nathan´s good. Because he loved him. But the uncried tears were suffocating him already. “I wish the best for you.” Nathan took his face in his hand, one last time, and he kissed him with a hunger full of tenderness and consuming guilt. He kissed him goodbye.

And now he was up here with a city full of strangers at his feet. Peter had tried to understand- which he could- and to accept- which he failed at. He had lain in his bed alone night after night, seeing Nathans face before him, feeling the warmth of his body and missing the heat of their lovemaking so much that it physically hurt him. He had always smiled disdainfully when people spoke sentences like “I couldn´t live without him”. But now he knew the truth of such words. They weighed on his shoulders, on his soul, and as hard as he had tried, the pain wouldn´t subside, wouldn´t lessen. There was no forgetting of what they had shared, no going back to it either, and the world was hollow for Peter. Nathans smile was still there, but not for him, and his eyes that had looked at him so lovingly now had a tinge of shame and guilt in them. Peter couldn´t bear it anymore. And he saw that his brother was also suffering- how could love lose bring forth such feelings?!

But today he had made his decision, and that, finally, had brought him peace of mind. Peter smiled. Finally, the first smile for month! He would set Nathan free. And it would be best for him also. Peter was calm, beyond all tears, beyond regret, even beyond craving. He knew now what he had to do, and he felt no fear.

The last thing Peter ever imagined when he stepped over the edge was Nathans smiling face.

--- end ---